Avatar Live-Tweeting

I found a decent copy of Avatar, but I will spare you all any twitter-riffing. Besides, gotta put this page to bed. 

(Okay except I have to say this spaceship looks like genitals)

(Four-nutted space genitals) 

(Also, glad they explained the “You guys can whole grow transgenic bodies in tanks but can’t fix a spine??” thing. Limp, but I’ll take it.) 

(Who climbs in the tanks with the cat-person stiff and braids its hair? Izzat protocol? This is what happens when you let girls do science) 

(Woman we are trying to drive these big trucks in space, there is no time for My Little Na’vi) 

(Find something else to do, like figuring out why the arrows in my truck have feathered flights on an alien planet, Cuz that is weird) 

(♥♥♥ Sigourney ♥♥♥) 


(Hello my name is Giovanni Ribisi, I will be playing the role of Cardboard Bastard, oh so cruel and two-dimensional) 

(THESE ARE OUR ZILLION-DOLLAR NA’VI AVATARS, SO VALUABLE *neglects to install basic tracking device, loses one instantly*) 

(Oh, is this where the Tarzan style racefail starts? Lemme guess, the kamikaze wildlife here woulda DESTROYED a native, but NOT OUR HERO.) 

(Jesus Christ If I’d know we were touching down on Planet Blacklight I woulda brought some glowsticks or a poster or something) 


(Wait what) 

(Okay yeah, thought so. (NWS) Cat Mom, why are you wearing a Dinka woman’s beaded cape? You haven’t got any cattle.) 

(Hey Avatar could you racefail a little harder, because it’s not quite funny yet, just annoying. TIA.) 

(If Giovanni Ribisi’s character isn’t listed as “Pointlessly Gleeful Cunt” in the credits I will be so disappointed) 

(Have they even mentioned what Unobtanium is for yet? If they did, I missed it. Gonna pretend it facilitates 6-month-long orgasms.) 

(If Barlowe didn’t do the creature designs for this, whoever did needs to peel themselves off his dick and get some air once in a while.) 

(There are not going to be able to explain these floating mountains in any way that will satisfy, are they) 

(Oh, and you stuck a trailer park right on top of one, good, nice, can’t figure out why the space savages hate you, total mystery) 

(This space kitty is seriously wearing purple buttless chaps. You pulls those out just for JAKE SOO LEE, sugar?) 

(I just noticed Love Interest has eight fingers while Dances with Smurfs has ten.) 

(Looks like all the real Na’vi have 8, 10 fingers must be the result of being transgenic? No wonder they don’t trust your ass, Earth Man.) 

(Dude all showing up in MY backyard with twelve fingers, dressed in a space outfit telling me to move, I wouldn’t listen to him either) 

(TRUST MEEEEEEEEEEE *runs twelves fingers all over your butt and shoulders, looks sincere*) 

(So there is basically no useful animal on this planet that is not more Plug-N-Play than an iPod Touch, huh.) 

(Control-on-demand over major megafauna, and yet, they still live in trees. In rattan panties. That only seems weird to me, doesn’t it.) 


(“No one ever gets to fly a Lowrider! NO ONE DOES IT UNLESS THEY ARE REALLY SPECIAL.” Nope, no one like that here. RIGHT, TARZAN?) 

(Oh, and now Karo body art. I am not supposed to recognize this stuff or something, I guess) 

(That wasn’t much of a manhood ceremony, you sure you guys don’t wanna hack off a bioluminescent blue foreskin or something) 

(This tree appears to be made of LED tube lights. I SEE YOU, CREEPY SWINGER COUPLE’S LIVING ROOM.) 

(The voices of our ancestors are in these tube lights. the ancestors say “chill out, have a margarita, get in the jacuzzi, want a backrub”) 

(Why do aliens know how to kiss. What has the science team been doing here exactly.) 

(Is the bulldozer-and-machine-gun route seriously more effective than the vodka-and-Christianity route? I have my doubts.) 

(Giovanni demands a scientific explanation of Na’vi spirituality, gets one, dismisses it. Makes you wonder what WOULD have been acceptable.) 

(So I’m assuming Sigourney’s kitty won’t be surviving this.) 

(This eradicate-the-natives scene needs a dose of “Flight of the Valkyries.”) 

(“Gassing, firebombs, monster-piloting! NOTHING budges our patented Stay-Pee-Gee feathered nipple pasties! Available in kitty cat size!”) 

(Oh hey they actually knocked the damn tree down I’m surprised. Ewoks coulda prevented that shit, but not 10-foot-tall cats? Y’all suck.) 

(Nothing believable about this culture at all. There seriously seem to be no gender roles defined. Primitive cultures LOVE gender roles.) 

(Also Love Interest looks about 23-25-ish, stone-agers like that would be on their tenth wedding anniversary.) 

(I guess I’m supposed to believe she was a virgin when she banged hair neurons with Tarzan, because that made them “mated?” Oh, Hollywood.) 

(Oh yeah, and her Dad’s dead or something.) 

(For a movie full of soldiers, these people are remarkably bad at taking orders. but I guess that’s what we all like to believe we’d do, eh?) 
(*I* woulda thrown the gates of Auschwitz open. *I* woulda NEVER given the Pontiac the smallpox blankets. *I* woulda warned the Zulu.) 

(Gimme a break.) 

(All. My. Friends. Know tha Low-RIDE-ah.) 

(And don’t think I missed that Maasai beaded necklace. You’re not gonna win this one. I know you’re not creative.) 

(I just noticed that somewhere between boning Tarzan and the decimation of her people, girlfriend here found time to get her hair did.) 

(Your priorities are awesome, you totally deserve to exist.) 

(Why is Sigourney Weaver dressed like Tinkerbell.) 

(Yeeeeah, didn’t think Sigourney would survive. Too hip for the room.) 
(“They can take our lives…. but they can never take… OUR FREEDOM!”) 

(Where are these feathers coming from, I haven’t seen a single feathered creature on the entire planet.) 

(Yep, only about 20 minutes left. Better hurry up and save the day, white guy.) 

(Okay boys, be careful with the mecha, we have to get them back to Zion in one piece before Neo and Morpheus get to bitchin’) 

(Oh huh, I was wondering where Weedy Scientist Guy’s avatar had wandered off to. Countdown to HIS annihilation begins now.) 

(Great copter canopy glass! Bulletproof, bombproof, fireproof, airtight, and nukeproof. But no arrows, okay? Any arrows and you’re FUCKED.) 


(So when does the acting chief get iced to clear the way for King White Boy? Ten minutes? Fifteen?) 

(You can’t play, strangely rebellious copter pilot. Kitties only. Go home.) 

(FOUR minutes. Bye, acting chief.) 


(The planetary consciousness does not take sides, you guys. Except when it does.) 

(I have more respect for Commander Scarface than anyone else here. FUCK YOU, FIRE. I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE BURNED. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.) 

(♫♪ Yes his gun and his mecha are bared, be pre-paaaaaaaaaaaaared! ♪♫) 

(Okay we gotta wrap this up. Shoot the girlfriend. We all know females exist in film so their injury or death motivates the men.) 

(Mecha-scale Bowie knives? I’ll have to ask the manager, I think those are special order items.) 

(“How does it feel to betray your own race?” Shoot, I get asked that walking down the street with @Matt_Sheridan.)
(The correct answer? It feels AWESOME because it makes YOU angry and also me and my new friend are gonna bone so hard tonight just for you.) 

(That is the second time Pocahontas has dragged your butt out of the bonfire, kiddo.) 

(You know the humans are just going to come back with nukes, right?)

(Okay yeah, the end. Nothing about this whole goddamn film any of us didn’t see coming, correct?) 

(White people, seriously, you need to stop making movies like this. I’m telling you this as a friend.)

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